again.

I walked all the way across the convention hall concrete floor in heels to ask the question.

Do you happen to have a motorcycle?

That question would forever change the trajectory of my life and ultimately lead me to where I am today. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

It was 2011 and I was neck-deep in years of separation already, awaiting final divorce papers. I was in Switzerland for work, but I wanted to play just as much (let’s be honest: more). I was ready to make the jump. Take the leap of faith. I wanted to do bold and exciting things and laugh out loud and scream if I wanted. I was on a mission to HAVE FUN. It was time to really start my new life. I wanted to throw myself off of cliffs and drink beer in an outdoor bar at night and ride on the back of a motorcycle with a European man. Even if only for a block or two. Just so I could say I did it. So, I asked this guy: Do you happen to have a motorcycle?

It’s still a fantasy … to ride with a guy who is taking the lead and being brave and allowing me along for the ride. To scream. To laugh. To put my arms out and not hold on. Maybe it’s a message to my mom who still makes fun of me for not being bold or brave enough to hang upside-down on the swingset (which I DID, thankyouverymuch). But it’s something I needed then, in Switzerland.

And it’s something I need again.

I never got the motorcycle ride. I instead got another ride that would last several years and beat me down to a pulverized, unrecognizable version of myself. But that’s another story for another day, and one many of you are sick of hearing about. I am sick of it too. Which is why I am where I am today.

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

It seems like it should be so easy. This relationship thing. But sometimes you just can’t have what you want and you need to figure out how to be OK with that. But it’s the figuring part that is so damn hard.

But I’m so proud to say that I’ve figured out the figuring out and I’m having a damn good time–great, even–with the journey. Yoga and meditation. Self love. Sharing love and appreciation with others. Compassionate intentions. Reading more. Creating sacred space. Joining groups of women on a spiritual journey. Learning about conscious relationships. Creating boundaries and learning how to keep them. Telling people I love them even when they don’t want to hear it. All of this and more and it feels absolutely lovely and wonderful and healing and free.

I’m learning about myself in this process more than anything. I don’t believe that I’m a difficult person to please. I know this deep in my soul. I am adventurous and love fun. I love to love hard on people and do things for them and create special moments. I enjoy quiet, alone time as well, and need to feel independent. I like to help people and learn new things. I need to laugh. I need to not sit and watch TV all the time. I need to set intentions and believe in them. I need honesty and openness. I need to feel welcome in a relationship fully, not only when convenient. I need to love and be loved. I need someone who will both cradle me and let me go. Someone who will let me fall but will also pick me back up. I need someone who knows when my body is hurting or longing for touch and says, “Woman, give me your foot.” I need someone who will cook me delicious meals and teach me to be better in the kitchen so I can repay them for their generosity. I need someone who adores music and will lie on the ground and listen to old records for hours on end. I think I’ve mentioned this before.

What we need in this life shouldn’t be so damn difficult. Right? Alas. Sometimes it’s harder than it should be.

But figuring it all out is part of the journey. Watch me as I go. Again.

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